The President addressed a packed White House press room today to discuss the tragic events in Iowa yesterday. “As you know, we were forced to deploy nuclear weapons to contain the threat posed by Mr. Goodson as he stomped through the city of Des Moines. We felt that the use of force was justified to stop him as he had doubled in size over the course of the attack and we feared that the loss of life would be too great.
In addition, I am pleased to announce that the US Military has acquired the TasteMakerPro™ technology from Foodz Inc. which should be available just in time for the holidays.”
Local residents watched in awe as fighter planes screamed overhead toward the Foodz Inc. factory. A woman interviewed arriving at an area hospital via ambulance reported seeing a “40-foot tall obese man swatting away F-16 fighter jets like some kind of bloated King Kong” but these reports cannot be corroborated.
White House officials responded with “no comment” when asked if there was any connection between military training exercises being performed across the midwest and the unusual weather patterns surrounding the Foodz Inc. factory.
Foodz Inc. Spokesperson Andrea Bocelli responded to reports that unusual odors and multicolored clouds were emanating from the factory here. “The regularly scheduled maintenance on our factory line for the TasteMakerPro™ sometimes results in a combination of food waste material in the water runoff, but this is perfectly harmless.
We are still very much looking forward to a holiday release of the TasteMakerPro™.”
Foodz Inc. President Marc Goodson has just returned from a visit to the factory and is pleased to report that progress is going well on the TasteMakerPro™ food processor/transmogrificator. “Testing continues and we plan on increasing production by using our factory right here in Iowa to meet holiday demand. In addition, we would like to strenuously deny reports that our product has anything to do with recent livestock disappearances in the area.
At the Kitchen Gadget Expo, Foodz Inc. announced its newest breakthrough product, sure to be a hit with households everywhere. Following up on a successful line of disposable food processors, the TasteMakerPro™ takes healthy food that picky eaters hate and magically transforms it into a delicious meal, using patent pending molecular recombination technology. “We all know finicky eaters who hate to eat their vegetables, but now there’s finally something that turns your brussels sprouts and cauliflower into tasty chocolate cake or pepperoni pizza, but with the same nutritional value and calories of the original food. The future is here, now,” said company President, Marc Goodson.
Look for it online in time for the holiday season.